Interview with Erica Komisar, Child Attachment Expert and Psychoanalyst

In this enlightening conversation, Erica Komisar, a clinical social worker and psychoanalyst with over 30 years of experience, shares her insights on the critical importance of attachment security in early childhood development. We delve into the challenges faced by modern parents and the hidden dangers of daycare, exploring how these factors impact the mental health of children today.

Table of Contents

• What is the mission you're on?
• How have social changes influenced parenting?
• Is the role of a mother more important than that of a father?
• Why are fathers important from a biological level?
• Is guilt a bad thing?
• What are some of your unpopular ideas about parenting?
• What is family diaspora and how does it affect parenting?
• Can raising children away from extended family be justified?
• What are attachment disorders?
• How do attachment disorders manifest in adulthood?
• How can choosing a partner be influenced by attachment styles?
• Does having more children correlate with neglect?
• What is unique about relationships with your own children?
• What contributes to growing infertility among people?
• How did you manage to balance work and motherhood?
• Should fathers be the stay-at-home parent?
• What challenges do mothers face in poor socioeconomic conditions?
• Does more paid leave equal better childcare?
• What is the connection between upbringing and success in adult life?
• What are the top stressors we're exposing our children to?
• What should career-driven mothers do?
• What’s so important at three years old?
• Can I repair my trauma and brain past my 30s?
• Are we taking men's purpose away?
• What happens when men become the primary caregiver?
• What should employers do?
• FAQ: What does your obituary say?

What is the mission you're on?

My mission can be summed up with three key concepts: presence, prioritization, and prevention. Let’s break each of these down.

First, presence is crucial. For children to be mentally healthy, they need both physical and emotional presence from their parents throughout childhood, especially during the critical brain development periods from zero to three years and during adolescence from nine to twenty-five. In those early years, a child's development heavily relies on their environment, and as parents, we are that environment.

Next is prioritization. Today, we prioritize everything but our children. We chase our careers, material success, and personal desires, while our children are often left behind. This neglect can lead to serious issues; children may break down at three, eight, or even during their teenage years. If we don’t prioritize their needs, we risk their mental health.

Finally, prevention is vital. We are facing a mental health crisis globally. In the U.S., one in five children will experience a serious mental illness before adulthood. This isn't just a statistic; it’s alarming. We need to ask ourselves why this is happening and how we can foster emotional regulation and resilience in our children from a young age to prevent these breakdowns.

How have social changes influenced parenting?

Social changes have drastically influenced parenting styles and the well-being of children. The shift began during the industrial revolution when women entered the workforce and were separated from their children. This change was amplified by the me movement and the feminist movement of the sixties, which, while empowering, also led to the neglect of children's needs. As women began to prioritize careers, children were often left in daycare or cared for by others, which is detrimental to their emotional and neurological development.

Today, we see a society where many parents are disconnected from their children due to work commitments and personal ambitions. This disconnection can lead to a lack of nurturing and emotional support, which is critical for healthy development. Children need consistent, loving interactions to thrive, yet many are raised in environments where their emotional needs are secondary to adult pursuits.

Is the role of a mother more important than that of a father?

This is a nuanced question. While I emphasize the critical role of mothers, it is not to diminish the importance of fathers. Mothers and fathers play different but equally essential roles in a child's development. Mothers often provide sensitive, empathic nurturing, which is crucial for emotional regulation in infants and toddlers. Their presence helps babies learn to manage their emotions, which is foundational for future mental health.

Fathers, on the other hand, contribute in different ways. They tend to engage in more playful and risk-taking behaviors, which are vital for a child's exploration and emotional development. Fathers help regulate excitement and aggression, which are equally important for a child's growth. The distinction lies in the different nurturing hormones that each parent produces, which shape their parenting styles. So, while both roles are essential, they serve different functions that contribute to a child's overall development.

Why are fathers important from a biological level?

Fathers are important biologically because they produce different hormones, such as vasopressin, which influences their parenting style. This hormone fosters protective and aggressive behaviors, allowing fathers to guard their families and engage in stimulating play. This playfulness encourages children to explore and take risks, which are crucial for their development.

Moreover, fathers help children learn to manage excitement and aggression. When fathers are absent, particularly from boys, we often see issues with aggression and impulsivity because those boys miss out on the emotional regulation that fathers provide. Thus, both mothers and fathers are vital, but they fulfill different roles that are critical for a child's emotional and psychological health.

Is guilt a bad thing?

I don't believe guilt is inherently a bad feeling. In fact, it can be a sign that your ego is functioning appropriately. Guilt indicates an internal conflict between your desires and your responsibilities as a parent. It shows that you recognize the emotional needs of your child and feel the weight of those responsibilities.

However, excessive guilt can lead to anxiety. If you are a good enough parent and still feel guilty, it indicates a misunderstanding of your role and capabilities. Instead of turning away from guilt, we should confront it; doing so often leads to better decisions for ourselves and our children. Guilt can guide us toward being more present and attentive to our children's needs.

What are some of your unpopular ideas about parenting?

One of my more unpopular ideas is that children do best in environments where they have consistent, nurturing interactions from their parents, especially their mothers, during the critical early years. This idea often clashes with the modern narrative that suggests children can thrive despite long hours in daycare or with minimal parental involvement. The reality is that children are not resilient; they need stability and attachment.

Another unpopular perspective is the notion that we are raising a generation of emotionally fragile children. The pressures of modern life have made it difficult for parents to manage their own needs while being present for their children. This leads to a cycle where children are not equipped to handle frustration or adversity, resulting in a rise in mental health issues.

What is family diaspora and how does it affect parenting?

Family diaspora refers to the trend of families moving away from their extended families for work or personal reasons. This geographic separation creates challenges for parenting because it removes the support systems that traditionally help raise children. Historically, families lived in close-knit communities where extended family members played a significant role in child-rearing.

Today, many parents are isolated, raising children without the help of grandparents, aunts, or uncles. This isolation can lead to increased stress and feelings of inadequacy in parents, as they often lack the support needed to navigate the challenges of parenting. The absence of extended family can hinder emotional support and guidance, making parenting even more daunting in our modern, fast-paced society.

Can raising children away from extended family be justified?

While some may argue that pursuing careers or personal passions justifies raising children away from extended family, the reality is that children thrive in environments with ample support. Extended family provides emotional and practical assistance, which can ease the burdens of parenting. When families choose to live far from their roots, they often sacrifice the benefits that come with having a support network.

Raising children in isolation may seem feasible initially, but it can lead to long-term consequences for both parents and children. The emotional toll can be significant, as parents may feel overwhelmed and unsupported. Ultimately, while there may be valid reasons for living away from extended family, the emotional and developmental needs of children should always be a priority.

What are attachment disorders?

Attachment disorders arise when a child does not form a healthy emotional bond with their primary caregivers. There are three main types of attachment disorders: avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized. An avoidant attachment disorder occurs when a child turns away from their caregiver upon reunion, indicating a lack of trust. Ambivalent attachment disorder manifests when a child clings to their caregiver, fearing abandonment.

Disorganized attachment is the most complex, where a child cycles through different strategies without a clear approach to seeking comfort. These disorders can lead to serious long-term issues, including anxiety, depression, and difficulties in forming healthy relationships. The prevalence of attachment disorders is rising, and it is directly linked to how we raise our children in today's society.

How do attachment disorders manifest in adulthood?

Attachment disorders can have profound effects on adult relationships and overall mental health. An avoidant attachment style often results in individuals who struggle to form meaningful connections. They may find it difficult to commit to relationships and often have trust issues that prevent intimacy. This detachment can lead to a sense of isolation, as they push away those who try to get close.

On the other hand, individuals with an ambivalent attachment style tend to exhibit high levels of anxiety in their relationships. They may cling to partners, fearing abandonment, which can overwhelm their loved ones. This may manifest as excessive communication or a need for constant reassurance, suffocating the very connections they seek to nurture.

Disorganized attachment, often linked with borderline personality disorders, creates emotional volatility. Adults with this style may experience intense mood swings, anger, and even self-harm. Their past experiences often lead to confusion in their relationships, making it challenging to establish stability.

How can choosing a partner be influenced by attachment styles?

Attachment styles significantly influence partner selection. Individuals with secure attachment styles typically seek out and are attracted to equally secure partners. They thrive in healthy, reciprocal relationships that foster emotional growth. In contrast, avoidants may gravitate towards other avoidants, creating a relationship devoid of conflict but also emotional depth.

Ambivalents often attract partners who may not fully meet their emotional needs, leading to cycles of anxiety and clinginess. This dynamic can perpetuate unhealthy patterns, where each partner's fears and insecurities exacerbate the other’s. Disorganized attachment often results in tumultuous relationships, as these individuals may struggle to maintain a stable connection due to their emotional unpredictability.

Understanding these patterns can help individuals make more informed choices in their relationships, leading to healthier dynamics. For entrepreneurs, recognizing your attachment style can be crucial, as it affects not only personal relationships but also professional partnerships. Healthy relationships can bolster your entrepreneurial journey, enabling collaboration and support.

Does having more children correlate with neglect?

The question of whether having more children correlates with neglect is complex. In many cases, increased family size can lead to maternal depletion syndrome, particularly in the developing world. Mothers may become emotionally and physically drained, leading to a lack of attention and care for each child.

When a mother has multiple children, it becomes challenging to provide individual attention. The stress of managing several young ones can result in neglect, even if unintentional. It's crucial to recognize that the demands of parenting can overwhelm even the most dedicated parents, leading to emotional depletion.

However, it’s also important to note that not all large families lead to neglect. Some parents are adept at managing their time and resources, ensuring that each child receives adequate attention. The key lies in the parents’ ability to prioritize emotional presence and create a nurturing environment, which is essential for healthy development.

What is unique about relationships with your own children?

Relationships with our children are distinct due to the inherent dependency that exists. Unlike relationships with partners or friends, children rely on their parents for survival, emotional support, and guidance. This dependency creates a profound bond that is not easily replicated in other relationships.

Moreover, the role of a parent is transformative. It challenges individuals to confront their own upbringing, losses, and traumas. This introspection is vital in ensuring that they do not replicate negative patterns in their children's lives. The commitment to nurturing a child's emotional security is a unique journey that shapes both the parent and the child.

As an entrepreneur, understanding this dynamic can enhance your approach to leadership and teamwork. The nurturing skills developed through parenting can translate into your professional life, fostering a supportive and collaborative environment. Strong relationships, whether at home or work, are foundational to success.

What contributes to growing infertility among people?

Infertility is increasingly prevalent, with various factors contributing to this trend. One significant issue is the delay in childbearing, as many individuals prioritize careers and personal development before starting families. This postponement can lead to decreased fertility due to age-related factors.

Moreover, environmental influences play a role. Exposure to toxins, stress, and lifestyle choices can negatively impact reproductive health. The societal pressure to "do it all" adds stress, which has been linked to fertility challenges. Many are misled by the notion that options like egg freezing provide a foolproof solution, which often isn't the case.

Understanding these factors is crucial for aspiring parents. By recognizing the pressures and realities of modern life, individuals can make informed decisions about family planning. For entrepreneurs, addressing these challenges early can be essential to maintaining a balanced life while pursuing professional goals.

How did you manage to balance work and motherhood?

Balancing work and motherhood is no small feat. I made a conscious choice to take significant time off after each child was born, ensuring I was present during those formative years. My husband and I agreed that my focus would be on our children during their early years, allowing me to return to work gradually.

During that time, I only worked minimally, which allowed me to prioritize my children's emotional needs. This required sacrifices in other areas of life, such as travel and material comforts. However, we recognized that nurturing our children was the priority, and we were willing to pare down our lifestyle to achieve that.

This approach not only fostered a secure attachment with my children but also set the stage for a successful career later on. Entrepreneurs can learn from this balance; investing time in personal relationships can yield long-term benefits in both personal and professional realms.

Should fathers be the stay-at-home parent?

The role of fathers in child-rearing is essential, but it doesn't necessarily mean they should be the stay-at-home parent. Each family dynamic is unique, and the decision should be based on what works best for that particular family. Fathers contribute differently than mothers, particularly in the early stages of a child's life.

While mothers typically provide the primary attachment during infancy, fathers become increasingly important as children grow and begin to explore their environment. Their playful engagement can foster emotional security and independence in children. Thus, while stay-at-home fathers can be beneficial, the focus should be on ensuring that both parents are present in a way that supports healthy development.

For entrepreneurs, understanding the value of both parental roles can enhance team dynamics and workplace culture. Encouraging shared responsibilities at home can lead to more engaged and productive employees.

What challenges do mothers face in poor socioeconomic conditions?

Mothers in poor socioeconomic conditions face significant challenges that can impact their ability to provide for their children emotionally and physically. Limited resources often mean less access to quality healthcare, education, and support systems. This lack of support can lead to maternal stress and emotional depletion, which directly affects parenting quality.

Additionally, many mothers in these situations may have to work multiple jobs, leaving them with little time or energy to nurture their children. This can create a cycle of neglect, where children do not receive the emotional support they need, leading to long-term developmental issues.

Entrepreneurs should recognize these challenges when considering community engagement or business practices. Supporting initiatives that empower mothers in these conditions can foster healthier communities and, ultimately, a more productive workforce.

Does more paid leave equal better childcare?

Research indicates that more paid leave can lead to better childcare outcomes. Children who experience secure attachments during their early years are more likely to thrive emotionally and psychologically. When parents have the opportunity to take time off to bond with their newborns, it fosters a sense of security that benefits the child in the long run.

Countries with extended paid leave see positive outcomes in child development, including lower rates of mental health issues. This correlation suggests that investing in parental leave is not just a benefit for families but also a societal imperative. For entrepreneurs, understanding the impact of supportive family policies can inform workplace policies that prioritize employee well-being and productivity.

Ultimately, creating a culture that values family time and emotional security will lead to healthier communities and a more engaged workforce. By advocating for better parental leave policies, we can contribute to a brighter future for both families and society.

What is the connection between upbringing and success in adult life?

Upbringing plays a crucial role in shaping the trajectory of a child's future, particularly in terms of success in adult life. Many successful individuals often point to their childhood experiences, which may include forms of neglect or strict parenting, as pivotal in their development. This connection can be seen in the lives of notable figures such as Richard Williams, Joe Jackson, and Earl Woods, all of whom had intense parenting styles that, while controversial, resulted in the emergence of extraordinary talent.

However, it's essential to differentiate between nurturing and controlling behavior. A nurturing environment fosters independence and encourages children to pursue their passions, while overly controlling parenting can lead to rebellion or emotional detachment. The goal is to support children's interests without imposing parental aspirations onto them. This balance is critical, particularly in entrepreneurial environments where innovation and risk-taking are encouraged.

What are the top stressors we're exposing our children to?

Today's children face a myriad of stressors that can significantly impact their emotional well-being. One of the primary stressors is the early separation from parents, often due to daycare or work commitments. This premature exposure to stress activates the amygdala, which can lead to heightened anxiety and behavioral issues.

Other stressors include family dynamics, such as parental divorce, sibling rivalry, and even the birth of a new sibling. These situations can create a sense of instability and insecurity in children. Additionally, the pressure to perform academically and socially can overwhelm young minds, leading to mental health issues like anxiety and ADHD.

In an entrepreneurial context, it's crucial for parents to recognize these stressors and work to create a supportive environment that prioritizes emotional health. Understanding the impact of these stressors can help parents make informed decisions about their children's upbringing.

What should career-driven mothers do?

Career-driven mothers often find themselves at a crossroads, trying to balance professional ambitions with the emotional needs of their children. The first step is acknowledging that it's okay to feel conflicted. Many women experience guilt when they prioritize their careers over time spent with their children. However, it's vital to shift the focus from guilt to creating a supportive environment for both personal and professional growth.

One approach is to engage in open conversations with partners about shared responsibilities. It's essential to create a partnership that allows both parents to be present for their children while pursuing their careers. Additionally, considering flexible work options, such as remote work or adjusted hours, can provide the necessary balance. If possible, investing time in nurturing relationships with children during critical development periods can create a lasting impact.

What’s so important at three years old?

The age of three is a pivotal period in a child's development. At this stage, the brain undergoes significant growth, with 85% of its development occurring by the age of three. This rapid development is influenced heavily by the child's environment and the presence of nurturing caregivers. A secure attachment formed during this critical period lays the foundation for emotional regulation and resilience later in life.

For entrepreneurs, understanding the importance of this age can inform decisions about parental leave and childcare. Prioritizing time with children during their formative years can yield long-term benefits, not only for the child but also for the family unit as a whole. It’s about creating a nurturing environment that fosters healthy emotional growth.

Can I repair my trauma and brain past my 30s?

Healing from childhood trauma is possible at any age, including after thirty. The process often requires engaging in meaningful relationships, whether with a therapist or supportive friends and family. Building a consistent, trusting relationship with a therapist can provide the emotional reparative experiences needed to address past traumas.

Moreover, understanding that the brain is plastic means that healing is not only possible but also essential. Adult relationships, when approached with introspection and commitment, can help individuals navigate and process their past experiences. While the journey may be challenging, it is entirely feasible to repair emotional wounds and cultivate healthier patterns.

Are we taking men's purpose away?

In modern society, there is a growing concern that we are diminishing men's traditional roles and purposes, particularly in family dynamics. The shift towards dual-income households and the rise of women in leadership roles have led to a reevaluation of men's roles within the family. While empowering women is crucial, we must also recognize the importance of men's contributions and the sense of purpose they derive from their roles as providers and protectors.

Men often find their self-esteem and identity through their work and familial roles. When these roles are undermined or diminished, it can lead to feelings of purposelessness and depression. Addressing this imbalance is essential for fostering healthy family dynamics and ensuring that both men and women can thrive in their respective roles.

What happens when men become the primary caregiver?

When men take on the role of primary caregiver, it can lead to significant changes in family dynamics and emotional health. While this shift can be beneficial, as it allows men to bond with their children, there are also challenges. For example, men may experience a decrease in testosterone levels, which can impact their mood and energy levels. This biological response is a natural adaptation but can lead to complications in relationships if not addressed.

Moreover, societal expectations often place pressure on men to fulfill traditional roles, leading to internal conflict. Open dialogue between partners about these dynamics is essential for creating a supportive environment that allows both parents to thrive. Understanding the unique challenges faced by stay-at-home dads can help foster healthier relationships and family dynamics.

What should employers do?

Employers play a crucial role in supporting their employees during parental transitions. Providing flexible work options, parental leave, and understanding the challenges that come with parenthood can create a more supportive workplace culture. Employers should recognize that family responsibilities can impact productivity and engagement, and they must be willing to adapt their policies accordingly.

Additionally, fostering open communication about parental responsibilities and providing resources for employees can enhance overall well-being. By prioritizing family needs, employers not only support their employees but also contribute to healthier communities and a more engaged workforce.

FAQ: What does your obituary say?

This question invites deep reflection on one's life and legacy. The legacy we leave behind is often shaped by our relationships, values, and impact on others. For many, it may include being remembered as a loving parent, a supportive friend, and someone who championed the well-being of children and families. In the context of entrepreneurship, it could also reflect the contributions made to the community and the lives touched through business endeavors.

Ultimately, the question of what your obituary says encourages individuals to consider what truly matters in life. It serves as a reminder to prioritize relationships and emotional connections, especially in a world that often emphasizes material success over personal fulfillment.

This article was created from the video Child Attachment Expert: Hidden Dangers Of Daycare, It Might Be Causing Future Issues For Your Kid! and written by GFunnel for clarity and understand.